I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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