I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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