I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
