I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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