woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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