I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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