i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
