oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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