This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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