It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
