Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Holy sore nipples Batman
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
