Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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