I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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