He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
They took my balls.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
