remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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