At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
