Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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