I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
