there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I love you.
Bad choice
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
