I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize