if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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