somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
