Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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