Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Someone came in the potted fern
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
