When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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