She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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