i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
50% drunk capacity currently
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
