Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
