so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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