my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
