I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
