don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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