Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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