remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
