the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
