Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
