I am spending my child support on dildos
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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