Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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