Need sex. Gaining weight.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
