I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
