last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
