dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
