Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
