yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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