god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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