Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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