respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
