Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
