Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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