It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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