I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
