Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
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My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
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that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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