so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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