trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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