if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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