I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The air was thick with penises
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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