have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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