She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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